Orgone Energy: The Cause and Solution

For insurance purposes, I won’t officially cop to being responsible for the wild weather swings we’ve been having of late. Who do I look like, The Terrible Old Man of Marblehead? Actually, wait, don’t answer that. There is a bit of resemblance there and I don’t want to think of my Mom getting all cozy with that jerk.

Anyways, how could I be responsible for the weather as a whole? All that’s beyond me. All I did was shift some of the bad weather from the weekend to Monday. It’s not a crime, I think. Are there Weather Police? We should look into that. If there are, well, no Weather Court would convict me - my motive were pure! I just wanted to make sure the parade and festivities planned for the weekend could go off without a hitch. The forecasts all predicted rain and given that thanks to the Supreme Court this past weekend could have been a wedding day for hundreds of happy couples, I felt the need to preempt the irony.

Of course, that fact that by preventing rain on the Pride Parade caused tornado warnings nearby is sort of ironic in itself. You can read more about the Law of Conservation of Irony in your science books, provided you purchased the “More Things in Heaven and Earth” editions.

So how did I do it? Without the Terrible Old Man’s innate abilities or Z’rpblat’s Weather Modification Ray, I had to do it the old fashioned way: with Orgone Energy.

Orgone Energy is one of the long standing fundamental forces of the universe - like luminous aether, Odic force, élan vital, and other forces the Illuminati and their UN henchmen wish to suppress. It was first examined in detail by Dr. Wilhelm Reich in the 1930s having grown out of his research into that most private of forces, the orgasm. Like the orgasm, orgone is a life-giving force and a vital one. You don’t want to live your life without either. Reich found that disruptions in the flow of orgone through your body lead to all sorts of maladies, from cancer to depression, and that by managing the flow we can all live happier lives.

Unlike orgasmic energy, orgone energy is all around us in various concentrations. Think of a thunderstorm when you can feel, even smell, the power of the storm around you. In fact, that’s where orgone got its name: Orgasm + Ozone = Orgone. One of Reich’s many advancements was discovering a way to accumulate, concentrate, and even project orgone energy.

The process is slightly too complicated to go into detail here. If you are interested, I offer advanced degrees in Applied Orgone Energy Research at the Crowninshield College of Totally Legitimate Study (classes enrolling soon!). I’ll sum up quickly and say that by integrating organic and nonorganic materials, you can set up a field that can affect the orgone around you.

The first of Reich’s devices to do this is the Orgone Accumulator. None other than Jack Kerouac described the device in his seminal research novel On the Road:

“Say, why don’t you fellows try my orgone accumulator? Put some juice in your bones. I always rush up and take off ninety miles an hour for the nearest whorehouse, hor-hor-hor!' said Bull Lee… The orgone accumulator is an ordinary box big enough for a man to sit inside on a chair: a layer of wood, a layer of metal, and another layer of wood gather in orgones from the atmosphere and hold them captive long enough for a human to absorb more than a usual share. According to Reich, orgones are vibratory atmospheric atoms of the life-principle. People get cancer because they run out of orgones. Old Bull thought his orgone accumulator would be improved if the wood he used was as organic as possible, so he tied bushy bayou leaves and twigs to his mystical outhouse. It stood there in the hot, flat yard, an exfoliate machine clustered and bedecked with maniacal contrivances. Old Bull slipped off his clothes and went to sit and moon over his navel.”

The effects of the Orgone Accumulator is again described by the scholar space poets HAWKWIND:

I've got an Orgone Accumulator

It makes me feel greater

I'll see you sometime later

When I'm through with my Accumulator

It's no social integrator

It's a one man isolator

It's a back brain stimulator

It's a cerebral vibrator

...But an Orgone Accumulator

Is a superman creator

Of course, I clearly did not employ my Orgone Accumulator in order to prevent a rain out of the Pride Parade. That’s just silly! I used Reich’s other invention, the Cloudbuster. (Although, to be honest, when I started to get tornado alerts Monday afternoon, my Accumulator was the first place I headed - layers of wood and metal are great protection against most disasters as detailed by Dr. Indiana Jones in 1958 in his journal article “A Bomb Shelter In Every Kitchen.”)

The Cloudbuster is a more focused version of the Accumulator, the spotlight to its streetlamp. While the Accumulator draws orgone from the area around it, the Cloudbuster draws orgonic energy from a specific targeted location through as series of copper tubes. I have one set up on the roof of one of my family’s ancestral homes on Salem Common. I’d invite you over to come see it, but I don’t want the current residents to get wise to its location lest they drop a dime on me to the Illuminati or worse, the SCNA. It was hard enough trying to come up with excuses as to why I spent most of Saturday on the roof pointing my tubes at the sky over the temporary pavilion stage while grooving to live covers of Janis and Stevie and so on by the bands below.

Anyways, I managed to get most of the clouds before they formed, drawing down the orgone through the Cloudbuster and into the grounding wires. And that’s where the problem came - I couldn’t ground out that much energy. I tried to contain it as long as I could, but keeping that much power in constant motion was an exhausting task. I finally fell asleep sometime Monday morning during which time the energy leaked back out into the atmosphere and combined with the orgone that had rushed in over the previous 38 hours to fill the vacuum I had created.

Long story short, it was a huge mess. After being startled awake by the screeching and squawking of my phone, I sprang into action and did what I could to draw off some of the orgone from the forming storm above us. I managed to get a little of it and perhaps saved us from an actual tornado touching down, but was too late to stop all the rain. I did have a stroke of inspiration and attached the grounding cables from the Cloudbuster down to the Accumulator hidden in the basement which prevented the energy from re-releasing into the atmosphere.