The Cecilnomicon: We Should Really Do Something About All These Spiders

I don’t mean to alarm you, but there are 43,678 different species of spiders out there. Last I checked, there was only four species of human. Spiders have been around for over 386 million years and there is currently one crawling up your leg.

Be cool, act natural. You don’t want to let it know that you know it’s there. Just keep your eyes on the screen, keep reading. Ignore that tickling feeling as eight tiny hooked legs scrape against your skin. Just relax. Don’t think about how all 43,678 known species of spiders are predators or how most of them have venomous bites. Focus instead on the fact that only a small percentage of those venomous bites are actually harmful to humans.

So there’s a good chance the spider on your leg, inching ever closer to the back of your knee, is no real threat to you, that its venom will not attack your central nervous system, causing your respiration to shut down to a series of painful, sputtering gasps. It’s even less likely that the spider’s venom is necrotic and will turn your flesh into a pustule of black, corrupted jelly.

What did I say about moving your leg? Keep still. The chances you’ll get out of this unscathed are still pretty decent. If the spider wanted to harm you, it would have done so by now, right? After all, you sleep with your mouth open. If this spider really wanted to get you, it could have paused as it worked its way towards your ear last night. Good thing you’re a sound sleeper.

Maybe the spider who is brushing spiny feet against the back of your thigh just wants to be your friend? It could be lost, scared. Think about the spider’s feelings for a minute, but don’t think about the spider and what it’s doing right now or why it keeps scratching at the same place. Maybe it’s just lost. Maybe it’s looking for a new home, somewhere safe and warm where it can lay its thousands of eggs.

I’m sure that pinch you just felt was all in your mind. If you still can, breathe. Relax. Don’t think about the little dots, milky white and fast to grow, that could be spreading across your thigh. They might not be pustules at all! They could just be those eggs. Think happy thoughts, maybe pick something to look forward to like that fresh fruit you got from the market but did not rinse off when you got home. I’m sure that would be a delicious treat if you survive.

You’re doing fine. That numbness if your leg could be anything. It doesn’t have to be the spider. It could be something as benign as a mini-stroke or a blood clot. Can you wiggle your toes? Should you? There might be more of them down there. Have you noticed many flies or other bugs around lately? If so, the spiders are probably fed and happy and are just looking for room to expand their ever increasing numbers. If not, well, hunger can make all creatures mean and desperate. Probably best to start humming a reassuring tune.

That’s it. Just hum and act like nothing strange is happening, that there is no spider working its way up your inner thigh, thin rivulets of drool dripping in tiny ropes from its distended mandibles. Think positive. It might not be a big one at all. It could be several little ones. How far is it to the bathroom? Do you think you could get there quickly? Is it near an emergency phone? Just curious.

Okay. Now slowly flex your leg muscles. If there is pain, scream. If not, try again. Get ready. You will only have one shot at this. Forget your clothes, they’re done for. Who knows what kind of pheromone the spider has marked them with. They’ll probably need to be burned. Instead, focus on getting to that bathroom.

Let’s start the count. Ten.

Do you remember the phone number for poison control? Nine.

You probably should have written it down. Eight.

Remember your clothes are goners now, just rip them off when you get in the bathroom. Seven.

Don’t lock the door behind you. Spiders can fit under it. Six.

You probably should check the shower for webs before jumping in. Five.

Lean forward in your seat slightly. Get ready. Four.

Smooth, fluid motions. If you hesitate, it might bite you again. Three.

Here we go. Here we go. Two.

Good luck. One.

RUNRUNRUNRUN