The Cecilnomicon: Job Application

Dear City of Salem Human Resources Employee,

It was with great excitement that I read the posting for the Mandatory Recycling Enforcement Coordinator on the city’s website. I was directed to this posting by a dream I had the other night. In it, I stood - floating or perhaps standing upon a smokestack - above the city. The sun was warm on my back and breeze cool upon my brow. Below me, I saw the wonder that is Salem spread before me in amazing detail. I could make out the individual tentacles of the Flat Kraken that lives beneath Essex Bridge to the north, the faerie rings of Salem Woods to the south, and that misshapen growth most call “Marblehead” to the east. But in my dream, all was not right with my city. No! At the very fringes of my sight I could see the rot set in, the twisted corruption brought on by empty blue boxes, of recycling trucks left half full.

I admit it, City of Salem Human Resources Employee, I wept.

Suddenly, I heard a chorus of voices speak as one! They called my name! (Quite loudly, mind you as I am a bit of a heavy weeper.) I looked up from my tear stained hands to see such an assemblage of Salem Powers That Be I almost started crying again. They hovered together in the air, ethereal winds bearing them aloft: Roger Conant, his Astral Body a cold statue. Bridget Bishop, her noose a serpent of fire. Blackbeard’s Skull. Thanh Long, Dragon of the East. Old Bet, my family’s spirit animal and first elephant in the United States. Mrs. Espathia Taggart, who won a contest in 1953. Santa Claus. They had all come to see me!

WE FEEL YOUR PAIN AND SADNESS, they sang to me.

“But what can I do?” I asked. “How can I help my city?”

LOOK UNTO THE CITY OF SALEM’S WEBSITE. THERE THOU SHALT FIND A POSTING FOR A POSITION OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE TO THE CITY’S FUTURE.

“Yes, Spirits of Salem! I will! I will do that! Only,” I paused, “I’ve been having some problems with my internet connection of late.”

WHO IS YOUR PROVIDER?  

“Comcast,” I sighed.

CECIL CROWNINSHIELD, WE ARE THE MYSTICAL POWERS OF SALEM BUT EVEN WE HAVE LIMITS. GO UNTO THE SALEM PUBLIC LIBRARY AND APPLY THERE.

“I shall, Spirits! I shall!” I raised my hands in praise as they began to fade away. Soon, my dreamstate followed and I was awake again, running as fast as I could down the street.

After returning home once I realized it was 3am in the morning and the library was closed, I set my alarm and tried to get what little sleep I could.

Anyways, to make a long story short - there is a line to use this computer and a librarian is glaring at me - that’s how I became aware of the position. I feel that I am an excellent candidate and wish to apply for the vacancy. I hope I am not too late.

In addition to a host of other wonderful qualities, here are just a few I can bring to the table in service of Salem:

- I have prior experience dealing with trash. Most of my furniture has been recycled from curb-side leavings.

- Until I was chased away by Madame Ha, I used to hold the lucrative Upper Ward 2 Can Collection Contract. I understand how important ensuring enough cans and bottles are placed out every week lest we all incur Ha’s wrath.

- I own my own uniform, a wonderful bespoke affair of bright, bold blue that I made myself from a selection of local tarps.

- My family has been in service to Salem for over three hundred years.

- Given that I already patrol the city looking for ghosts, unregistered witches, and incursions by the United Nations, checking the status of people’s recycling would be no hard task.

- While I don’t own a pen, I am familiar with their use and would be happy to attend any training sessions required.

- I speak English, Spanish, a little French, and Cyrillic (a language invented by my dastardly brother Cyril to send me secret threats).

- I have an amazing memory, just the sort of thing one would need to remember which homes have not recycled in the past fortnight.

- I own my own uniform, a wonderful bespoke affair of bright, bold blue that I made myself from a selection of local tarps.

- My knowledge of the City is second to none. I know when the geese return, when the rats sing, and when the starlings fly low over gabled roofs.

- I am a people person, both real and imagined.

- As a skilled precognitive, I can save the city time and money by ticketing those who will forget to recycle before they even do so.

- I ran a series of divinations (Tarot, tea leaves, palmistry, crystal pendulum, astrology, heliology, dirtomancy, bibliomancy, dowsing, and runes) and at least six out of ten methods indicated that I would apply for the job.

- I don’t know who my father is, but I’m pretty sure that he was a famous Mandatory Recycling Enforcement Coordinator and that these sort of things tend to be genetic.

- I have read the posted salary and am happy with the benefits package being offered. Is there some sort of city Pension Sack I can hurl valuable items in to? Will the city match any contribution made?

I am very interested in speaking with you further regarding this position. I’m best reached at all times of day by throwing open your window and cawing thrice into the wind. An owl should arrive within the hour to take your message. Be sure to whisper it clearly as Hoots is getting on in years and I’d hate to be late for our interview. If it more convenient for you, you can always email me at salemdefender(at)gmail(dot)com or direct message me at @SalemDefender.

If I don’t hear from you in two weeks, I’ll follow up with you via lucid dream. Look for a helpful bluebird that speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones. That’s me!  

Yours,

Cecil Crowninshield

ps - References available upon request. Request them only if you don’t value your own sanity. I recommend using an intern.