The Cecilnomicon: Chopping Down the Family Tree

The story of the Crowninshields is the story of Salem. We’ve been here since the beginning - in fact it was one of our ancestors that planted the ceremonial bootprint on the back of Roger Conant before holding the door open for John Endecott to claim his new office. This tradition lasts to this day, although after a misunderstanding in 1973 lead to the outgoing mayor, a veteran of both the military and worse (high school education), beating my uncle Sullivan within an inch of his life. After that incident, the family decided that the mayors of Salem were made of tougher stuff than they used to be, so we merely have to show them a picture of a boot when they leave office.

Wielders of the Boot of Departure is just one of the many roles, both ceremonial and functional, that we Crowninshields have filled in Salem over the years. The most important roll, of course, is the mantle of Witchfinder General that was first bestowed on Repent-in-Lightning Crowninshield by Judge Hathorne back in 1694. You might remember that Salem had a spot of bother with malignant entities (teenage girls) back in Ye Olde Dayes. After the Hysteria had passed, Judge Hathorne, always one to play it safe, signed a Compact with Repent-In-Lightning Crowninshield that his descendants would always be at hand to defend Salem against the unknown horrors of the night and teenagers.

The terms of the Compact are pretty simple - it is the duty of the Witchfinder to protect the town (now city) of Salem from “all threates not easily understandable.” It’s a pretty tough job, and like most tough jobs (soldier, teacher, parent, etc) it does not pay very well. Luckily for us, one wing of the Crowninshield family managed to find success in shipping and later politics. Their wealth has allowed my branch of the family to subsist on a tidy sum provided we refrain from ever involving ourselves in their businesses, political campaigns, and lives in general. It is a heavy load, being separated from your kin by duty, but one we tow for the Greater Good.  

Repent-in-Lightning retired from public life and into the family tomb in 1745. It took another sixteen years for the electrical energy that gave him his name to fully dwindle from his body. He used that time wisely, writing down the techniques and tenants of the Witchfinders in between moaning and wailing, begging for death from his loving family assembled on the other side of the barred gate. He truly was a great and powerful man, as one can tell from the scorch marks that fill the family catacombs, but he was far from the last Crowninshield to leave their mark upon the world. Some of the others include:

Benjamin Crowninshield (1748-1781)

Repent-in-Lightning’s great-grandson, Benjamin Crowninshield was a scientist and inventor of minor colonial note. It was his Apparatus, a giant crab-like thing made of barrels and shod in iron, that scared off a certain Colonel Leslie when it emerged, giant claws snapping and wooden carapace glowing with St.Elmo’s fire, from the Naumkeag River as British troops advanced on rebel storehouses in 1775. Why Benjamin’s contribution to the War has been scrubbed from the record books, I have no clue. Perhaps History might only have enough room for one great colonial scientist named Benjamin? Or it might have something to do with the time the Apparatus went amok and stormed its way through town, knocking down buildings while bellowing Bible verses from its spike-filled maw. We may never know.

Richard Crowninshield (1800-????)

If you have walked around Salem at dusk, you have no doubt heard of Richard Crowninshield. Favored citation of tour guides, from Salem Night to Spellbound to Haunted Footsteps to at least thirteen others come October, Richard ensured his immortality by ending that of Captain Joseph White, a suspected vampire. At least, according to the diary in my family’s collection, that’s what the Knapp brothers told Richard. Richard was new to his job and, if you don’t mind me speaking ill of the undead, a little gullible. Captain White was not a vampire at all. He was a mummy, a fact Richard soon learned when the elder thing stole into his would-be murderer’s prison cell and inducted him into the Order of the Long Night.

Jonathan Crowninshield (1835-1861)

After the notoriety Richard Crowninshield cast upon the family name, it was no wonder that Jonathan Crowninshield left for Boston to join the 1st Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry at do his patriotic duty. In 1861, he and his unit were at the First Battle of Bull Run. From the letter of condolence sent to his wife Abigail, it appears it was Jonathan who first gave Confederate colonel Thomas Jackson the nickname “Stonewall.” Although this was in error, as the golem that he encountered on the battlefield was actually made of brass, as Jonathan would soon learn at the wrong end of its heavy, heavy fists.

Meredith Crowninshield (1852-1911)

We are all familiar with the famous phrase, “Watson! Come here! I need you!” uttered by Alexander Graham Bell in 1876. But did you know that was not the complete statement? But for a scuffle and some minor damage to sensitive scientific instruments, history would have appended, “That madwoman is back again and she is doing something to the curtains!” Family records are unclear as to what Meredith had against Bell’s window treatments.  

Cassandra Crowninshield (1878-1921)

Still, the Crowninshield family has never shaken its love of science, or at least our love of experimentation. Cassandra Crowninshield combined this love of experimentation with a never-give-up attitude and severe pyromania. Due to lawsuits still pending, I can only affirm that yes, she did live on Boston Street in Salem in 1914, and yes, she did keep a large selection of chemicals including acetone, amalcitate, and alcohol on hand, and that yes, she did once write a letter to a precursor of this Salem Patch decrying Franklin H. Wentworth as being “a worry-wort of the most extreme nabobery who would sooner extinguish a bonfire than stand before it, swaying gently, feeling the heat envelop him like a mother’s love.” The rest is lies and conjecture! Who even brought this up! I say to you good day, sir!

Eliot Crowninshield (1905-1936)

You probably know Eliot Crowninshield as the author of several books for children such as The Adventures of a Very Nice Bear, Three Happy Cats, and The Toad Beast Says Fhtagn! His earlier work is much easier to find these days, but it might be worthwhile to track down some of his later books. Near the end of his career, Eliot Crowninshield worked closely with renowned Boston artist Richard Upton Pickman and modeled many of his illustrations upon the older artist’s work. Sadly, the Great Depression severely contracted the market for children’s books featuring bat winged monsters and gibbering, faceless slugs and Eliot died, alone and penniless, in a Danvers asylum.

Willowbrine Crowninshield (1949-2008)

While I would love to say that the greatest mark Willowbrine Crowninshield ever left on the world was Yours Truly, I do have to take into account the existence of my brother Cyril, which as per usual, cancels the other out. Still, Mom is on the plus side of things as she was the one who came up with the Orgone Network we have installed around the city. I remember spending warm summer days with her travelling all over town gifting the orgonite we had made together, holding hands as we looked both ways crossing the street, laughing over ice cream, the only black cloud being the insufferable lurking presence of Cyril, always following, silent and sulking, thirty feet away. For someone who insisted on intruding on mother-and-son bonding time, Cyril, you think you could have at least shown up at the Ascension Funeral. I had to mix up all that orgonite resin by myself!

Ungh. Sorry about that. Thinking about my brother always calls to mind that famous quote by George Bernard Shaw: “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” I think I’ll head down to the family catacombs and see if great great great great great great great uncle Richard is still about. That always helps clear my head.