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Health & Fitness

Beyond Orgone (also, a Dragon in Salem)

It’s been a busy week around the old Crowninshield place. I’m not sure if it’s the hot weather or the big Fourth of July fireworks display that happened down on the waterfront, but Thanh Long, Dragon of the East and one of the spiritual Lords of Salem (sorry, Mister Zombie) went on a bit of a bender. I’m not sure how he managed to score the vast quantities of orchid brandy it requires to boot him off the wagon, but I suspect it was an act of civil disobedience by a certain citizen whose name rhymes with ‘Hadam Ma’ who was upset about not scoring the coveted Mandatory Recycling Enforcement Coordinator contract. After Blackbeard’s Skull failed to talk him into taking a break, the Lords of Salem came to me to ask my help in sobering him up.


I fetched my custom altered leafblower that I had previously made a t-shirt cannon and tinkered with it further, turning it into a device capable of shooting thermoses full of hot coffee several hundred feet into the air. I can be pretty handy when I need to be. Of course, Thanh is a pretty slippery target even when sober, so it would take a lot of coffee to bring him down. Also, there was the problem of what would happen when I missed the drunken dragon. Luckily, Z’rpblat was on hand to help me rig up some charges on the carafes so that they would explode into a fine mist of caffeinated goodness so we wouldn’t catch any flak for causing cans of coffee to rain down on Salem rooftops.

So if you heard any late-night explosions over the past week, I apologize. It was either that or Thanh getting sick all over the power plant again.

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Once the dragon was down and sleeping it off over at the Flat Kraken’s place, I could turn my attentions back to my current project: making orgonite.

Last time, I told you all about the orgone energy discovered by Dr. Wilhelm Reich in the 30s. Well, progress marched on since his day and thanks to the tireless efforts of researchers such as Dr. Nikolai Kozyrev, Don Croft, and the entire staff of the Wisconsin Orgone Observatory (WOO) we now have the next generation of orgone energy accumulating and directing devices powered by the greatest invention so far of this millennium.

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I’m not talking about Taco Bell’s Doritos Tacos Locos here. I’m talking about ORGONITE.

Remember how Reich’s Orgone Accumulator would gather and focus the ambient orgone energy that surrounds all of us via altering layers of organic and inorganic sheetings covering a wooden box? Well, Don Croft - ably assisted by his wife Carol, who is psychic of course - found that you could create a condensed matrix of orgone focusing material by mixing some fiberglass resin with some metal shavings swept up from a machine shop floor. Seems obvious, right? But it was the Crofts who had the brilliant idea to put a crystal in it, thus creating a sort of piezoelectric effect that could help filter and focus orgone energy!

This was a huge breakthrough, dudes, a giant leap forward. We’re talking Man on the Moon level here, except with actual positive repercussions for all of humanity. Sometimes, I almost wish I could have been a fly on the wall when the Crofts figured that out. (I say ‘almost’ because at the time Don funded his research by working as a travelling house painter in his homemade mobile home, so I suspect conditions in the back of the pickup truck were probably kind of cramped and paint-fumey and I get carsick really easily to begin with. Maybe the fumes helped with Don’s creative process and Carol’s psychic abilities?)

Anyways, the Crofts found that by spreading the orgonite devices they had created around the country, they could counteract the harmful Death Towers you and I know as cellphone relay towers. You see, the United Nations and other Shadowy Yet Unnamed Government Conspiracies have been secretly spraying us with chemicals from high flying and sometimes invisible jets. These chemicals then react with a perverted form of orgone energy produced by the towers to create, uh, bad mojo and stuff? It’s all very technical, but let’s just say that next time you see a plane fly overhead and leave a long, long trail behind it, you’re probably in the process of being sprayed and should get some orgonite on hand soon. It will help suck up the negative energy and convert it to positive, thus saving you from whatever mind-control Agenda 21 plans are encoded into the chemicals.

Better yet, if you want to be a real hero to the community, you could make a Chembuster. Remember the Cloudbuster from last week? A chembuster is similar, except that instead of being a series of tubes on a swivel grounded by wires, it’s series of tubes stuck in a Home Depot bucket that has been filled with metal shavings, resin, and a crystal or two. When you see one of those long white chemtrails lingering in the sky long after a plane has passed, you simply point the chembuster at it and let it do its thing. It will draw out the negative, deadly orgone energy and replace it with a hot fresh injection of positive. The positive energy will not only help disperse the chemtrails, but will help direct any local sylphs in the area into doing the same. Sylphs are like Mother Earth’s scrubbing bubbles - they just love to clean up the bad stuff.

Still, given that having a chembuster in your backyard pretty much guarantees a visit by the black helicopters, I could understand if you are not ready for that step yet. I mean, I guess I just love America more than you.

Luckily for us, WOO researchers have developed the next generation of personal orgonite device: The Orgonmite. I recently completed a correspondence course at the Wisconsin Orgone Observatory and am now a fully licensed Orgonmite manufacturer. The picture above consists of samples from my first batch. Right away, you can notice the difference between the Orgonmite and conventional last-generation orgonite. First, instead of pretending to be a machine shop janitor as sweeping up jagged bits of metal, WOO scientists recommend avoiding the risk of tetanus or trespassing charges by using tiny bits of metallic foil instead. The foil bits help refract orgone energy than trash, allowing the Orgonmite to succor punch way above its weight. The crystal is also wire wrapped in copper, thus increasing its focusing abilities, and sticks up out of the resin like a stalagmite, making it an ideal antenna for directing accumulated orgone energy.


The Orgonmite is so much more versatile than your standard orgonite device. It would be orgonite 2.0 if 2.0 wasn’t so far behind. You can still gift with it by tossing it into the bushes around your local cellphone towers, sure. Its small size makes it perfect for hiding away in plain sight and two Orgonmites, tied together with a piece of cord between them, make an ideal bola for hurling into the branches of trees you wish to protect. But the Orgonmite really shines as a personal orgone energy device. By wearing it as a necklace you can:


  • Block mind control devices less obtrusively than your standard tinfoil hat which, let’s face it, is so two seasons ago.
  • Use it as a personal energy battery to help power your psychic efforts. If you are part of Salem’s vast psychic industry, it will pay for itself in two readings! Fewer headaches! No more foul tasting mana potions!
  • Create a personal bubble of protection from chemtrails. People will unconsciously want to be near you so as to be protected as well, so there’s a nice side-effect here for weirdo loners.
  • Detect the weather for $390 less than the device recommended by actress Zooey Deschanel. Just hold it up and look through the clear bottle and the weather around you will be revealed!
  • Prevent ghosts from stealing your sandwiches. They have trouble moving against the buffeting unseen winds of orgone energy and will instead seek out other targets.
  • Many other uses, including some that I will recommend you and someone you love discover together in the privacy of your own bedroom. WINK

I’m still in the manufacturing phase of producing Orgonmites, but I hope to have them for sale shortly. If you’re interested in purchasing one, you can contact me at salemdefender(a)gmail.com to be added to the list. I may set up an online shop (ever since I started making these little beauties, my wifi connection has been so much stronger) or try to get a table at a craft faire sometime soon, but who knows how long that will take!
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