When Children Bully, Adults Must Act as Adults
A part of growing up is learning to deal with adversity and intimidation.
Two young children and a mother who felt compelled to defend her child last week, have created quite the discussion throughout the city.
We may as well face the fact that bullying exists. It always has and it always will. A part of the growing up process is learning how to handle those that bluster loudly and, in particular, how to deal with the few that try to get their way utilizing emotional or physical bullying.
As a young child growing up in the Point section of Salem, bullying was a fact of life. My initial encounter with bullying was in the first grade at St. Mary's School on Hawthorne Boulevard. This character was very clever and always made sure that Sister Mary Pierre was focused elsewhere before he snapped me in the back of the head with his knuckles. One day, he rapped my head during the last minutes of lunch, which we ate at our desks, before going out for recess. I tried to be the smart guy and gave him my nickel bag of Vincent's chips thinking he would be appeased. That didn't work, and a few days later after school, I was forced to try another approach which did work.
Later in my youthful academic career, as an "A" student at the notorious Hawthorne School, there were other moments when I was forced to establish that I would not be bullied. I did not find the experiences pleasant, but I survived them.
I never thought to get my parents involved as some other children did. Those whose parents did interfere just suffered an escalation of events. I remember one mother grabbing a bully by the ear and twisting until he howled. That mother's action only made the situation more difficult.
Times have changed. Lay a hand on someone else's child and you will be arrested. In all reality, that is the way it should be.
Many have discussed the actions of that Salem mother on a school bus last Thursday morning. As is usual on message boards, more than a few folks have jumped to conclusions and made statements predicated on assumed knowledge of the facts.
We only know what the Salem Police report tells us. The children in question, a boy and a girl, are five years old and, perhaps, one had hit the other a day or so earlier. The mother of the boy boarded the bus and put her hands on the girl.
Some have blamed the school system for not acting quickly or properly to complaints made by the mother of the young boy. The fact is, we do not know exactly why a complaint was made or what action was taken by school personnel.
A few have placed blame on the school bus driver for not heroically stepping up and stopping the mother from boarding the bus and approaching the little girl.
Some of you watch too many movies. Life is not scripted and events frequently happen too quickly for a would-be Clint Eastwood to saddle up.
Children have to learn to deal with adversity. Not everybody in life will be nice to you. You will not always win at every game you play. There will be occasions when you will need to defend yourself because mother will not be there for you. They must learn to not let the bully win and, as a parent, you need to accept that your input, while valuable, is limited.
Whatever happened on that bus will always be remembered by the children involved and by those who watched it happen. We can only hope that somehow those children understand that adults should not behave as children.
CarleaSkunkrawk
7:28 am on Monday, February 6, 2012
No. Bullying is different now. The world children see is much more violent than it used to be and social networks don't help either. School administration needs to crack down on bullying before things like this happen.
William Legault
9:29 am on Monday, February 6, 2012
In a perfect world that is the way it would be, but the world and the people in it are far from perfect. Life presents obstacles and pitfalls from day one, and they will continue to be there until day last.
Kim
8:59 am on Monday, February 6, 2012
Bullying now vs. then: Social media makes things much worse for the bullied. What used to be kept between a few kids is often common knowledge now, bringing further humiliation to the bullied child.
I was picked on in school. I "took it" for a while until I spoke up to my mother who took my concern to the principal. I was lucky & the bullying stopped. Today social media bullying is devastating. The "posted" abuse is there forever. It's not "secret" & cannot be taken back. It's public humiliation & can be fatal.
Kids have Facebook & Twitter accounts which are not monitored by parents. (Guidelines require kids be a certain age before setting up profiles)
Otherwise, (outside of social media) it's the same bullies picking on the same kids for the same reasons.
What should parents do?
LISTEN to your kids!
If your child is being bullied at school, verbally or physically, support your child. Teach that this is a normal part of growing up & that he will experience these types of 'bullies' all his life. Learning to handle them is key. I would not interfere until I have guided my child in ways to handle it himself. If the problem persists or you feel your child is in danger speak to school staff first, the other child's parent second.
Media use should be limited & monitored by parents! Let your kids know you are watching - my observation is the online bullies' parents are too lenient & non involved with their child's online activiites - which is unacceptable!
Erin Cyr
9:10 am on Monday, February 6, 2012
I agree, bullying has changed. Maybe not the one-upmanship motive behind it, but the techniques. It's easy to toss the blame on anyone in this situation. It's a shame that this took place just days after we got a visit from the Gov. and that anti-bullying rally at the Collins School.
Dawn Cerbone
11:12 am on Monday, February 6, 2012
I don't recall where it said her son was being bullied only that the girl hit the boy at school the day before. Bullying and a 5 year old hitting a 5 year old are two different things. No one said why the little girl hit the boy the day before. I've raised 5 children and little kids hit each other for what ever reason and then its forgotten and they play with each other again, thats just the way some little kids are. I think every parent has had to tell their young child we do not hit other people, because it happens and then hopefully the child learns not to do it again. The only bully in this story was the mother who took it upon herself to put her big hands on a little child.
Diane Wolf
11:40 am on Monday, February 6, 2012
"The only bully in this story was the mother who took it upon herself to put her big hands on a little child."
Well said, Dawn!
Sandy Doliber Campbell
12:25 pm on Monday, February 6, 2012
I agree with Dawn and Diane. Everything I've read regarding the matter it is all greatly exaggerated. No matter what the true case really was this mother should not have done what she did. Most likely the little girl didn't even recall having hit the boy or why. Although hitting is never a good thing the young boy most likely did or said something to the girl and in return she hit him. If the mother was compelled to do something after listening to her son's complaints, she should have contacted the little girl's parents and talked to them in a calm, cool and collected way. That mother is herself behaving like a bully. Mind you, I did not say she is a bully. I simply stated she behaved like a bully. I believe she should be charged for boarding that bus and for what she did to the little girl. Her actions were uncalled for ... period.
emilybrown
7:33 am on Tuesday, February 7, 2012
I think we should use bullying to our advantage we see it all the time. But wait there is more to it than kids and depression. Becouse depression is always there you see it in movies the bullied gets stronger. Maybe if they didn't go ctying to there parents like the boy's mother on the school bus last week, we just might get some stuff done. And lady on the bus I hope your reading this becouse you hit a little girl in kindergarten trying to teach her NOT TO HIT not the right way in my opinion, and apparently the readers and writers of the patch agree with me.
Ginny Goldsmith
11:17 am on Friday, February 17, 2012
First I don't have the right to approch anyones children to correct thier behavior unless it is of an imediate nature of injury or to disrupt bad behavior. We donot have a right to touch or verbally riducule some one elses child. Talk with the others parent and if the response is negative and defensive escalate it to higher authority (school, etc ......) But, by no means did this women have a right to do what she did......